Mr. James
I am writing you in response to the calls, letters, and singing telegram you have sent our department over last few weeks inquiring into our investigation of Miss Stephanie Steedwik. As much as I sympathize with your pain Mr. James, I feel I must remind you that here at the Memphis Police Department we investigate crimes.
It is unfortunate that Miss Steedwik doesn’t appreciate your unique and manly charms, even tragic you might say, but it is not a criminal offense. On the other hand, covering her car with ketchup, impersonating her dentist, and breaking into her apartment in order to replace all of her photo with ones of yourself, are in fact unlawful activities. Please see the enclosed restraining order for other restricted behaviors.
Although it is not really my job, for the sake of my long friendship with your father, let me offer you some friendly advice:
Get help.
A good lawyer wouldn’t hurt either.
I would hate to have to arrest you again, especially after that nasty riot you started last time. The other inmates are still out for blood. Please keep your nose clean and far way from Miss Steedwik. You can also expect a bill from her, apparently you pulled the wrong tooth and it had to be replaced.
Good luck,
Detective Douglas Voodpooter,
Memphis P.D.
