Story by Herman Fording
Today at 0327 metric standard time, a man known only as Joe7234 was granted asylum in the United States, fleeing from his native home in the ultra-secretive Ninja Republic. Joe7234â€™s reasons and motives remain unknown at this time, however drawing from my long years of experience as an instigative journalist, I would say that it probably involves illicit Yak Juggling. But that would be just a guess. A highly accurate and educated guess, but still falling slightly short of factual status.
Although Joe2734 himself was unavailable for comment, Dirk Ferris, the regional spokesmodel for the State Department of Ninja Affairs and Imported Cutlery, was on hand and issued the following statement:
â€œAs you all know, things have been shaky with the Ninjas every since the Tinsel of Doom incident. In fact, this whole encounter with Danger Couch has driven a real wedge into the internal politics of ninjadom, with pro-Couch factions and Anti-Couch loyalists springing up everywhere. It is from this highly unstable environment that Joe2734 come to us seeking sanctuary and fat-free Lattes. Please go home and give Joe the peace he has traveled so far to achieve.â€
And so Joe2734 remains as mysterious now as when he wore the ninja mask, fortunately the members of Danger Couch were a bit more forthcoming:
Wilheim Smoder: â€œI donâ€™t care what he says, you just canâ€™t trust a ninja. Donâ€™t get me wrong, there are a few good ones around, but you can never really tell until its too late. Think about it, with them all wearing those masks, how can you tell which ones which? You see one of those sneakarounds in the rafters and think, â€˜Hmm, maybe heâ€™s one of the good, tinsel-thwarting ninjas.â€™ Next thing you know heâ€™s got one of those candelabra looking knife things, stabbing you in the back. Or maybe the side. Sometimes even in-between your toes, but thatâ€™s usually only the ninja podiatrists. Anyway, donâ€™t turn your back on them, itâ€™s rude.â€
The Drummer: â€œIâ€™m happy for the guy, it sounds like he didnâ€™t really fit in over there anyway. Personally, I have no problem with ninjas. I donâ€™t bother them and they donâ€™t bother me. Of course if they did, they just might wake up with a percussion. Thatâ€™s a drumming joke, I get hit by so many of them that sometimes I like to beat people to the punchline. You know, kind of defuse the whole drummer issue. Anyway, I congratulate that ninja for finally coming out his pajamas and joining the rest of us here in reality, because thereâ€™s nothing worse that a nameless stereotype.â€
Ruckus MacMullit: â€œI admire him. It must be hard to leave all your friends behind like that. It definitely takes courage, but itâ€™s got to make your laundry easier. Can you imagine all the lint rollers youâ€™d need if someone washed a towel with your weekâ€™s worth of ninja outfits? And what about bleach? Someone drops some of that in your wash and poof, youâ€™re the dalmatian ninja. At least thatâ€™s what I heard. Itâ€™s not like I ever did that to anyoneâ€¦recently.â€
Jimmy James: â€œIt happens to all of us sooner of later, I donâ€™t why everyone is making such a big deal about it. I mean we all have to let go of whatâ€™s inside us, donâ€™t we? You know, release our inner reserves. Wait a minuteâ€¦heâ€™s a defector? I thought you said defecator. In that that case, never mind.â€
As you can see, the story of Joe2734 is an enduring enigma, one that will require constant updates for as long as it gets me ratings. Check back here frequently to take advantage of up to the minute coverage of events as they occur, and occasionally before.
For additional helpings of dry witty humor please refer to The Ominous Comma.